Act II.
Scene I.
Act II. Scene I.—London. A Street.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY; FANG, and his
Boy, with her; and SNARE following.
Quick. Master Fang, have you entered the
exion?
Fang. It is entered.
Quick. Where's your yeoman? Is it a lusty
yeoman? will a' stand to't?
Fang. Sirrah, where's Snare?
Quick. O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.
Snare. Here, here.
Fang. Snare, we must arrest Sir John Fal-
staff.
Quick. Yea, good Master Snare; I have en-
tered him and all.
Snare. It may chance cost some of us our
lives, for he will stab.
Quick. Alas the day! take heed of him: he
stabbed me in mine own house, and, that most
beastly. In good faith, he cares not what
mischief he doth if his weapon be out: he
will foin like any devil; he will spare neither
man, woman, nor child.
Fang. If I can close with him I care not for
his thrust.
Quick. No, nor I neither: I'll be at your
elbow.
Fang. An I but fist him once; an a' come but
within my vice,—
Quick. I am undone by his going; I warrant
you, he's an infinitive thing upon my score.
Good Master Fang, hold him sure: good Master
Snare, let him not 'scape. A' comes continuantly
to Pie-comer—saving your manhoods—to buy a
saddle; and he's indited to dinner to the Lub-
ber's Head in Lumbert-Street, to Master Smooth's
the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is entered,
and my case so openly known to the world, let
him be brought in to his answer. A hundred
mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to
bear; and I have borne, and borne, and borne;
and have been fubbed off, and tubbed off, and
fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a
shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in
such dealing; unless a woman should be made
an ass, and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-
nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices,
do your offices. Master Fang and Master Snare;
do me, do me, do me your offices.
Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, Page, and BARDOLPH.
Fal. How now! whose mare's dead? what's
the matter?
Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of
Mistress Quickly.
Fal. Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph: cut me
off the villain's head; throw the quean in the
channel.
Quick. Throw me in the channel! I'll throw
thee in the channel Wilt thou? wilt thou?
thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder! Ah, thou
honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers
and the king's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou
art a honey-seed, a man-queller, and a woman-
queller.
Fal. Keep them off, Bardolph.
Fang. A rescue! a rescue!
Quick. Good people, bring a rescue or two!
Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't ta? do, do,
thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!
Fal. Away, you scullion! you rampallian!
you fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.
Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, attended.
Ch. Just. What is the matter? keep the peace
here, ho!
Quick. Good my lord, be good to me! I be-
seech you, stand to me!
Ch. Just. How now, Sir John! what! are you
brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time and
business?
You should have been well on your way to
York.
Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st upon
him?
Quick. O, my most worshipful lord, an't
please your grace, I am a poor widow of East-
cheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
Ch. Just. For what sum?
Quick. It is more than for some, my lord; it
is for all, all I have. He hath eaten me out of
house and home; he hath put all my substance
into that fat belly of his: but I will have some of
it out again, or I will ride thee o' nights like the
mare.
Fal. I think I am as like to ride the mare if
I have any vantage of ground to get up.
Ch. Just. How comes this. Sir John? Fie!
what man of good temper would endure this
tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed
to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to
come by her own?
Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
Quick. Marry, if thou wert an honest man,
thyself and the money too. Thou didst swear
to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my
Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a sea-
coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson week,
when the prince broke thy head for liking his
father to a singing-man of Windsor, thou didst
swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound,
to marry me and make me my lady thy wife.
Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech,
the butcher's wife, come in then and call me
gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of
vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of
prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat some,
whereby I told thee they were ill for a green
wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone
down stairs, desire me to be no more so famili-
arity with such poor people; saying that ere
long they should call me madam? And didst
thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty
shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath:
deny it if thou canst.
Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and
she says up and down the town that her eldest
son is like you. She hath been in good case,
and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her.
But for these foolish officers, I beseech you I
may have redress against them.
Ch. Just. Sir John, Sir John, I am well ac-
quainted with your manner of wrenching the
true cause the false way. It is not a confident
brow, nor the throng of words that come with
such more than impudent saucincss from you,
can thrust me from a level consideration; you
have, as it appears to me, practised upon the
easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her
serve your uses both in purse and person.
Quick. Yea, in troth, my lord.
Ch. Just. Prithee, peace. Pay her the debt
you owe her, and unpay the villany you have
done with her: the one you may do with sterling
money, and the other with current repentance.
Fal. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap
without reply. You call honourable boldness
impudent sauciness: if a man will make curtsy,
and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord,
my humble duty remember'd, I will not be your
suitor: I say to you, I do desire deliverance from
these officers, being upon hasty employment in
the king's affairs.
Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do
wrong: but answer in the effect of your reputa-
tion, and satisfy the poor woman.
Fal. Come hither, hostess. [Taking her aside.
Enter GOWER.
Ch. Just. Now, Master Gower! what news?
Gow. The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of
Wales
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
[Gives a letter.
Fal. As I am a gentleman.
Quick. Nay, you said so before.
Fal. As I am a gentleman. Come, no more
words of it.
Quick. By this heavenly ground I tread on,
I must be fain to pawn both my plate and the
tapestry of my dining-chambers.
Fal. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking:
and for thy walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the
story of the Prodigal, or the German hunting in
water-work, is worth a thousand of these bed-
hangings and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it
be ten pound if thou canst. Come, an it were
not for thy humours, there is not a better wench
in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw thy
action. Come, thou must not be in this humour
with me; dost not know me? Come, come, I
know thou wast set on to this.
Quick. Prithee, Sir John, let it be but twenty
nobles: i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so
God save me, la!
Fal. Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll
be a fool still.
Quick. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn
my gown. I hope you'll come to supper. You'll
pay me all together?
Fal. Will I live? [To BARDOLPH.] Go, with
her, with her; hook on, hook on.
Quick. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet
you at supper?
Fal. No more words; let's have her.
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY,
BARDOLPH, Officers, and Page.
Ch. Just. I have heard better news.
Fal. What's the news, my good lord?
Ch. Just. Where lay the king last night?
Gow. At Basingstoke, my lord?
Fal. I hope, my lord, all's well: what is the
news, my lord?
Ch. Just. Come all his forces back?
Gow. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred
horse,
Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the archbishop.
Fal. Comes the king back from Wales, my
noble lord?
Ch. Just. You shall have letters of me pre-
sently.
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
Fal. My lord!
Ch. Just. What's the matter?
Fal. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with
me to dinner?
Gow. I must wait upon my good lord here;
I thank you, good Sir John.
Ch. Just. Sir John, you loiter here too long,
being you are to take soldiers up in counties as
you go.
Fal. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
Ch. Just. What foolish master taught you
these manners, Sir John?
Fal. Master Gower, if they become me not,
he was a fool that taught them me. This is the
right fencing grace, my lord; tap for tap, and
so part fair.
Ch. Just. Now the Lord lighten thee! thou
art a great fool. [Exeunt.
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