Act II. Scene I.Milan. A Room in the
Enter VALENTINE and SPEED.
Speed. Sir, your glove. [Offering a glove.
Val. Not mine; my gloves are on.
Speed. Why, then this may be yours, for this
is but one.
Val. Ha! let me see; ay, give it me, it's
Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!
Ah Silvia! Silvia!
Speed. [Calling.] Madam Silvia! Madam
Val. How now, sirrah?
Speed. She is not within hearing, sir.
Val. Why, sir, who bade you call her?
Speed. Your worship, sir; or else I mistook.
Val. Well, you'll still be too forward.
Speed. And yet I was last chidden for being
Val. Go to, sir. Tell me, do you know
Speed. She that your worship loves?
Val. Why, how know you that I am in love?
Speed. Marry, by these special marks: first,
you have learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreathe
your arms, like a malecontent; to relish a love-
song, like a robin-redbreast; to walk alone, like
one that had the pestilence; to sigh, like a
schoolboy that had lost his A B C; to weep, like
a young wench that had buried her grandam;
to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like
one that fears robbing; to speak puling, like a
beggar at Hallowmas. You were wont, when
you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you
walked, to walk like one of the lions; when you
fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you
looked sadly, it was for want of money; and now
you are metamorphosed with a mistress, that,
when I look on you, I can hardly think you my
Val. Are all these things perceived in me?
Speed. They are all perceived without ye.
Val. Without me? they cannot.
Speed. Without you? nay, that's certain;
for, without you were so simple, none else would:
but you are so without these follies, that these
follies are within you and shine through you
like the water in an urinal, that not an eye that
sees you but is a physician to comment on your
Val. But tell me, dost thou know my lady
Speed, She that you gaze on so as she sits at
Val. Hast thou observed that? even she, I
Speed. Why, sir, I know her not.
Val. Dost thou know her by my gazing on
her, and yet knowest her not?
Speed. Is she not hard-favoured, sir?
Val. Not so fair, boy, as well-favoured.
Speed. Sir, I know that well enough.
Val. What dost thou know?
Speed. That she is not so fair, as, of you, well-
Val. I mean that her beauty is exquisite,
but her favour infinite.
Speed. That's because the one is painted
and the other out of all count.
Val. How painted? and how out of count?
Speed. Marry, sir, so painted to make her
fair, that no man counts of her beauty.
Val. How esteemest thou me? I account of
Speed. You never saw her since she was
Val. How long hath she been deformed?
Speed. Ever since you loved her.
Val. I have loved her ever since I saw her,
and still I see her beautiful.
Speed. If you love her you cannot see her.
Speed. Because Love is blind. O! that you
had mine eyes; or your own eyes had the lights
they were wont to have when you chid at Sir
Proteus for going ungartered!
Val. What should I see then?
Speed. Your own present folly and her pass-
ing deformity: for he, being in love, could not
see to garter his hose; and you, being in love,
cannot see to put on your hose.
Val. Belike, boy, then, you are in love; for
last morning you could not see to wipe my
Speed. True, sir; I was in love with my
bed. I thank you, you swinged me for my love,
which makes me the bolder to chide you for
Val. In conclusion, I stand affected to her.
Speed. I would you were set, so your affec-
tion would cease.
Val. Last night she enjoined me to write
some lines to one she loves.
Speed. And have you?
Val. I have.
Speed. Are they not lamely writ?
Val. No, boy, but as well as I can do them.
Peace! here she comes.
Speed. [Aside.] O excellent motion! O ex-
ceeding puppet! now will he interpret to her.
Val. Madam and mistress, a thousand good
Speed. [Aside.] O! give ye good even: here's
a million of manners.
Sil. Sir Valentine and servant, to you two
Speed. [Aside.] He should give her interest,
and she gives it him.
Val. As you enjoin'd me, I have writ your
Unto the secret nameless friend of yours;
Which I was much unwilling to proceed in
But for my duty to your ladyship. [Gives a letter.
Sil. I thank you, gentle servant. 'Tis very
Val. Now, trust me, madam, it came hardly
For, being ignorant to whom it goes
I writ at random, very doubtfully,
Sil. Perchance you think too much of so
Val. No, madam; so it stead you, I will write,
Please you command, a thousand times as much.
Sil. A pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel;
And yet I will not name it; and yet I care not;
And yet take this again; and yet I thank you,
Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.
Speed. [Aside.] And yet you will; and yet
Val. What means your ladyship? do you
not like it?
Sil. Yes, yes: the lines are very quaintly writ,
But since unwillingly, take them again:
Nay, take them. [Gives back the letter.
Val. Madam, they are for you.
Sil. Ay, ay; you writ them, sir, at my request,
But I will none of them; they are for you.
I would have had them writ more movingly.
Val. Please you, I'll write your ladyship
Sil. And when it's writ, for my sake read it
And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.
Val. If it please me, madam, what then?
Sil. Why, if it please you, take it for your
And so, good morrow, servant. [Exit.
Speed. O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on
My master sues to her, and she hath taught her
He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
O excellent device! was there ever heard a
That my master, being scribe, to himself should
write the letter?
Val. How now, sir! what are you reasoning
Speed. Nay, I was riming: 'tis you that have
Val. To do what?
Speed. To be a spokesman from Madam
Val. To whom?
Speed. To yourself. Why, she wooes you by a
Val. What figure?
Speed. By a letter, I should say.
Val. Why, she hath not writ to me?
Speed. What need she, when she hath made
you write to yourself? Why, do you not perceive
Val. No, believe me.
Speed. No believing you, indeed, sir. But did
you perceive her earnest?
Val. she gave me none, except an angry
Speed. Why, she hath given you a letter.
Val. That's the letter I writ to her friend.
Speed. And that letter hath she delivered, and
there an end.
Val. I would it were no worse.
Speed. I'll warrant you, 'tis as well:
'For often have you writ to her, and she, in
Or else for want of idle time, could not again
Or fearing else some messenger that might her
Herself hath taught her love himself to write
unto her lover.'
All this I speak in print, for in print I found
Why muse you, sir? 'tis dinner-time.
Val. I have dined.
Speed. Ay, but hearken, sir: though the
chameleon Love can feed on the air, I am one
that am nourished by my victuals and would
fain have meat. O! be not like your mistress:
be moved, be moved. [Exeunt.